(ix) TAO Downtown

"...the surprisingly conflicted meanings participants constructed about ostentation..."

I’m scooting my way down the sidewalk on Sixteenth again, alongside the line of people snaking out from the club’s entrance, I woke up a few hours ago, and I’m returning to TAO Downtown solo so I can full-circle this thing and move on with my life when ‘Hi, miss! We’re recording a series for TikTok for a school project—what’s the craziest, wildest, most out-there thing you’ve seen at a nightclub?’ 

Two youngish-looking guys have trapped me at the hotdog stand chokepoint. To take the long way around, I’d have to pass by where the stand exhausts its smelly fumes. Gross. I look at this guy who’s speaking at me, and then to his friend with a camera on his shoulder, he’s it got pointed at me. I didn’t know cameras on shoulders could even talk to TikTok.

But wait, what the fuck, I’m a primary source now. Do you two mooks realize how much of an outlier I am? I’m radioactive, I’m gold-198, I’m mangling the footage you’ve already recorded while I stall so I can finish counting the zeroes on my altimeter to tell you how just deep this rabithole goes. I am kid in fourth grade who picks himself to write his very first ever biography about impartial here. If I so much as open my mouth your distribution gets dragged so hard Dewey defeats Truman:

‘I… …um… …nothing, really, you know… …difficult to convey…’

I’m spinning in a daze of Gell-Mann Amnesia, how many icebergs like me did Mears potentially interview in the course of her fieldwork? Fewer than one probably, but not zero, not entirely, no way. You can’t just declare the buck stops here on this sort of recursion and ensconce your subjects and their world within a little snow globe. It’s a snake-eat-tail world out there; no methodology is that sound, even hers:

Ethnography is well suited to the observation of practices behind coordinated action like a potlatch; here, supplementary interviews were necessary to understand the surprisingly conflicted meanings participants constructed about ostentation…

She accompanied like forty different promoters on more than a hundred nights out, God bless her, I couldn’t stomach beyond single digits. Out of some vague noblesse oblige, I am meek and merciful to these sociology undergrad mooks as I mete out the surprisingly conflicted meanings I’ve constructed about ostentation:

‘…uh… I… You know that one movie… …yeah, ohmygod I always forget he was in that!… like, when she puts on the wig and looks just like Betty, I… yeah, and kept just reappearing, like he’s the Cow—what?… Oh, you’re right, twice now, yeah, guess I didn’t do good…’

Sooner or later they’re satisfied with whatever surprisingly conflicted meanings they’ve gotten out of this participant, and I resume my scooting toward’s TAO’s entrance. Upon arrival, I barrage the poor bouncer opposite me with random R-names, ‘I’m with R, or maybe R, or…’ until he just sighs and unclips the velvet rope between us. A clump of men being metal-detected at the security checkpoint ahead of me turn around, hearing my commotion, maybe I said one or all of their names. One guy does that male chin-raise thing in my direction and mumble-growls to the rest, ‘That’s the kind of girl I need.’ I pretend I’m preoccupied with not tottering over on the steep steps. When it’s my turn to get TSA’d I receive an incredulous ‘You walked here?’ from the bag-search bouncer as he watches me Mary Poppins one flat and then the other out of my teeny purse. I give him a small whatcanyoudo shrug, like Yeah, Escalade’s in the shop. He waves me on, waits for me to finish stuffing my shoes back into my purse, then waves me on again.

Once inside, I contemplate checking my trusty coat and just leaving it here to haunt this place forever, zerosixoneoneseven, zerosixoneoneseeeeeeevennnnnnnn! If I find it’s appeared back in my closet one day, I’ll know for certain the people behind the curtain have me marked for life. A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall be no sign given unto it, but the sign of the bird po–

‘Partygirl?’

Shit. It’s another of R’s promoter associate buddies, I met him on one of my earlier nights out. He looks like someone who will grow up to become a limo driver. A network’s impact is the squa–

‘Do you want to come join our table?’

Why not. Full circle. At least to start the night. I follow him down the stairs and onto the dance floor, we push through the throngs of partiers to get to a booth on the far side of the floor. Men in chains adorn the table next to us. I exchange greetings with people around our table, and pour myself some Prosecco, full circle. I start talking with a guy at our table who’s not a promoter, but also not a client: a rare Male Pretty Wallpaper sighting. Very Important People mentions promoters enlist these guys sometimes, to get us girls to come out:

‘Hey!’

‘Hey!’

‘This is my first time, this is crazy!’

‘It’s not even one yet, it’ll get a hundred times wilder than what you see right now!’ His button-down is killing me, the fashion designer part of me, it’s so amazing for some reason, it’s blue-and-white striped, but there's a tuft here and a tuft here of little colorful bits of yarn, like weeds growing out of a wall of concrete, like the little lures old flyfishing men attach to their hats, and it’s just…

‘Are you in college?’ He asks.

‘Yeah, NYU! You?’

‘UChicago! I moved here six months ago after I graduated, to New York!’ He’s gotta be one of us. No UChicagoan would be caught dead at one of these things unironically. He’s gotta. I press for more:

‘I almost went there! But I just loved NYC so much, Chicago’s so cold. What did you study?’

‘Oh, I went for acting!’ He says this like it’s some kind of technicality. ‘I moved here to find work, but so far I’m still kinda like in my starving-artist phase, you know? I go to these things because of the free drinks…’

Just an out-of-work actor. Here for the alcohol, free-as-in. Wow. I need a cover story like that, he really had me for a minute. Or maybe it was just his shirt. A promoter, one whom I don’t know and who’s wildly, obscenely Irish interrupts us, and offer us tiny little plastic shotglasses brimmed up with some orange concoction that came out of a thermos he smuggled in. This is my last night clubbing, probably ever, so statistically I don’t see much of a risk in accepting sketchy alcohol. I drink up. This happens at least two or three times more over the next fifteen minutes, the bootlegging-offer-taking-up-on. Between this and the Prosecco, I’m far drunker than I’ve ever been at these things. Mears claims she was never much one to imbibe:

Copious amounts of alcohol and drugs are supplied to women free of charge in these settings. I usually held a drink during the parties, taking occasional sips to fit in, but rarely consuming enough to cloud my senses.

But drinking your way through a subject can be great fun. Theoretical anarchism is more humanitarian. After a final shot-taking, I decide to go Peter-rabbiting, my original, hip-new club slang for hopping around random clients’ tables and guzzling. I haven’t been up on the balcony yet, so I wander up the stairs and barge in uninvited. A foreign-looking Jared Leto in a black velvet blazer seems to be the ringleader client, he’s surrounded by a few other men and a few girls, a half-dozen more are leaning over the railing to get a view of the mosh down below. I go over and ingratiate myself with him, and he pours me some champagne from a bottle with a little glow-in-the-dark label. At some point a waiterly-looking woman with a bill-looking piece of paper comes up to us to verify something with him, but I can’t see straight enough to read any of the tiny digits printed on it.

I get up from our booth and look out over the railing, taking it all in. It occurs to me I should post a story, because I’m drunk and doing off-brand things sound like tons of fun. I do it, and receive a half-dozen thoroughly confused DMs from people who know me IRL the next morning. The alcohol, it’s really sinking teeth into my sanity, or is it satiety? whatever, one or the other’s outta wack. It doesn’t feel like I’ve quite full circled everything in sight yet, but inebriated me has her head screwed on with enough full-circles to know I ought to make my way home soon, before I full-passout. I thank my host like I owe him something and try to make up some excuse for leaving:

‘I’d love to stay, but I have church in the morning!’ It’s a little past four and I’m at TAO Downtown, on my fourth consecutive night of clubbing. And I say that. He looks me up and down, like he’s screenshotting, then asks:

‘Are you Croatian!?’

Fullcirclefullcirclefullcirclefullcirclefullcir- I’m chanting on the inside, but I put on a show of being exasperated out of principle: ‘“Am I Croatian!?” God no, I’m not Croatian! And! I’m not Germ–’

He grabs my arm to steady me, because I almost stumble over while winding up to gesculate. He leans over and shouts into my ear, ‘No, I said, “Are you Christian!?”’

I haven’t answered this question. Still, I think. But at a minimum, I haven’t answered this question in any state where I was sufficiently lucid for the event to pierce through the present and bleed into the second dimension of temporality, let alone while sober, ever. And I haven’t answered this question while my senses were more clouded than this webpage, ever, unless I do, now, or maybe that other time, as I have been this drunk just twice in my life, and the second time was this right now. In fact, I have always answered this question. I have answered it for old churchy-looking ladies, who, if had I answered in the negative would have perhaps croaked right then and there, dangling from her arm which is linked with her husband’s, who zoned out after gurgling up his required follow-on salutation, but would be zoned back in by this grisly turn of events, but most likely would’ve just scowled, such a waste of a young woman like that, with the fervor of some who scowl at me for not ever modeling, such a waste of a young woman like that, but thank God for her I have never answered that question, not for her, not for no one, never; I have answered this question for edgelord freshmen, at NYU at that, there they are legion and a different breed altogether, who would try to flex their knowledge of some words which were long-dead in the hearts of people who were marginally less long-dead, for whom their relationship with this long-legged capitalist remained the opposite of affectionate, and chaste and every synonym of, but thank God for her I have never answered that question, not for them, not for no one, never; and I have answered it right now, for foreign-looking normal Jared Letos in their black velvet blazers, but thank God for her I have never answered that question, not for them, not for no one, never, but if I can string three coherent words together, in which case I have answered this question for once, but the way I answer this question, unless I can string three coherent words together and answer it right now, God knows how I answer it right now if I can, which in the other case case, the way I answer this question the majority of the time, which is every other time until I answer it right now, is in a sort of jiu-jitsu way: growing up, I was my parents’ church’s golden child, born on the day the church was founded—my parents joined as members a few weeks later—and as I grew, it grew, like two conjoined live oaks in the far-East Texas soil, and when I turned fourteen, I was a minor musical prodigy, and when the church turned fourteen, it was a megachurch, and when we both turned fourteen, someone on the pastoral staff got the bright idea to stage a consummation of sorts, and I was from then on, lead guitarist within the extended rock opera universe the church co-created with its thousands upon thousands of congregants each weekend, my image was splayed upon the big screens and everything, every weekend, and this was enough for people, for old churchy-looking ladies and edgelord freshman, for whom the bandwidth of this answer overloaded their circuits and spilled over into a binary yes; it was still more -direction than mis-, I mean yes they would have likely walked back this answer of theirs of mine if they knew many of the other members of the church’s stable of musicians smoked or were divorced or spiraling into an alcoholic depression because of divorce or openly cheating on his financé with two weeks to go with a girl who worked in the church’s front office, but remember I somehow made it through four years of this, these people, unscathed, because my God I didn’t know what partying was until I read a sociology book about what partying was, and more generally yes this answer yes of theirs of mine favorably collapsed a superimposition the constituent elements which had I done it for them, that answer of mine of mine would have no doubt coagulated into something not only no-adjacent but also not cleanly so, a no with with heretical overtones them, this answer of mine of theirs; this was not only because I spent so many years on the other side of the alchemy of the extended rock opera universe and knew flashing lights and loud music stirred up what must have felt like genuine spiritual catharsis within those watching and experiencing and of course I psyopped myself with complimentary fare like Bowling Alone too but more so because the sages of the Theology Department at the Baptist high school which I attended added during this time fuel-to-fired all this with their very convincing and very damming dammings of the faith-experience I was complicit in alchemizing on my weekends like that it runs itself very near the shoals of Manichaeism and other things like that, and they also got me high on Wredeian Jesus Christ Secretspy notions which of course predisposed me in all my world-weary seventeenness to observe old church-looking ladies with my one unblinded mutant-eye with something that was nothing like pity and everything like a being-threatenedness in the A prophet is not without honour, but in his own extended rock opera universe because if they knew knew all the samizdat ricocheting ‘round my noggin they would infinitely rather I’d have just admitted to smoking or cheating on my alcoholic depression with my fiancé with two weeks to go until I divorced a girl in who worked in the church’s front office; four years of this of course leading to this sort of complex templatizing itself onto most all the samizdat like Very Impotent People I would go on to fill my round my noggin with about the worlds like that of nightlife whose denizens I could go around spying at with my little lone unblinded mutant-eye, detachedly observing them with nothing like pity and everything like a being-threatenedness in the A prophet is not without honour, but within her own island but this isn’t even my own island because I’m the biggest hick in this TAO joint having been born and raised not in Moscow or Serbia like all these hicks who took bridges and tunnels to get here assume but in Texas which a journey into Manhattan from requires you take one or more of the following bridges or tunnels: Verrazzano Narrows Bridge Steinway Tunnel Kosciuszko Bridge Metropolitan Ave Bridge Hugh L. Carey Tunnel Marine Parkway-Gil Hodges Memorial Bridge Ravenswood Tunnel Brooklyn Bridge City Island Bridge 145th St Bridge Arthur Kill Vertical Lift Bridge Holland Tunnel Cross Bay Vetrans Bridge Beach Channel Drawbridge Lincoln Tunnel Clark Street Tunnel Greenpoint Ave Bridge 53rdStreet Tunnel Concourse Tunnel Pelham Bay Bridge Ninth Street I-95 Bridge University Heights Bridge Gowanus Expressway Manhattan This weekend Bridge Queens Elon Midtown Musk suffered Tunnel Broadway the great humiliation Bridge of Willis Ave being turned Bridge away from Throgs Neck Berghain Bridge Berlin’s most East River legendary nightclub Tunnel Hells Berghain is Gate Bridge openly discriminate Pulaski about Bridge North Channel who it allows Wards to join the Island Bridge party Greenpoint Tube If the bouncers Alexander don’t like the Hamilton look of Bridge you they look you Third Street up and Williamsburg down, shake Bridge 63rd Street their head Tunnel 102nd say ‘nein’ Street Bridge and gesture for Culver you to leave Viaduct 149th the queue St Tunnel There can Downtown be no kick-back Hudson Tubes no fuss Henry Hudson You have Bridge George Washington been rejected Bridge from the gates to 14th Street techno heaven Tunnel Pelham and you must Bridge do the walk of Goethals shame Bridge Unionport all the way Bridge back Outerbridge Crossing Bayonne Bridge Hawtree Creek Eastern Boulevard Bridge Joralemon Tunnel Gowanus Expressway Mill Basin Bridge Rikers Island Bridge Bridge Lexington Ave Tunnel Third Ave Bridge Uptown Hudson Tubes 60th Street Hamilton Ave Bridge Tunnel Hutchinson River Parkway Bridge Eastchester Bridge When’s the last Grand time you got a manicure that Street Bridge could also prevent Borden date rape? Ave Bridge Students at North Hunter's Point Carolina State University created Ave Joseph a nail polish P. Addabb Bridge Bronx-Whitestone called ‘Undercover Colors’ that Bridge Park Ave changes color in Bridge Madison Ave the presence of common date Bridge Union Street Cranberry rape drugs like Rohypnol Tunnel Rutgers Xanax Tunnel Ed and Gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid Koch To see if one of the Queensboro Bridge drugs has been slipped into Robert F. her drink, a woman Kennedy has to stir it Bridge Spuyten with her finger Duyvil Not exactly discreet but Bridge Montague arguably more stylish than Tunnel Macombs similar inventions Dam Bridge Highbridge Bridge I-95 bRiDgE UnIvErSiTy bRiDgE CuLvEr StEiNwAy tUnNeL hEiGhTs bRiDgE GoWaNuS ExPrEsSwAy mAnHaTtAn bRiDgE UnIoNpOrT BrIdGe eAsTeRn Do I wait in line? No. I’ve never bOuLeVaRd bRiDgE ever waited in line my entire life. But I think jOrAlEmOn tUnNeL GoWaNuS a good way to keep from standing in line is to ExPrEsSwAy hAmIlToN AvE BrIdGe MeTrOpOlItAn aVe go right up to the door and push the bouncer over a little bit and bRiDgE HuGh say, ‘Excuse me!’ and walk right in. Then they LCaReY TuNnEl rAvEnSwOoD totally think you’re in already TuNnEl bAyOnNe bRiDgE HaWtReE CrEeK 53RdStReEt tUnNeL CoNcOuRsE TuNnEl pElHaM BaY BrIdGe nInTh sTrEeT aLeXaNdEr hAmIlToN BrIdGe The term "controlled substance" means tHiRd sTrEeT WiLlIaMsBuRg a drug or other substance, or immediate precursor, included in bRiDgE schedule I, II, III, IV, or V of LiNcOlN TuNnEl cLaRkStReEt part B of tUnNeL this subchapter. The term does not include GrEeNpOiNt aVe distilled spirits, wine, absinthe, malt bRiDgE RuTgErS beverages, nicotine or tobacco, as TuNnEl those terms are defined or used in eD KoCh subtitle E of the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 qUeEnSbOrO BrIdGe eAsTrIvEr tUnNeL ThRoGs nEcK HeLlS GaTe bRiDgE PuLaSkI BrIdGe GrAnD StReEt bRiDgE BoRdEn aVe bRiDgE HuNtEr's pOiNt aVe rObErT F To scan your QR code from your profile, tap 👤 or kEnNeDy your profile picture in the bottom bRiDgE SpUyTeN right to go to DuYvIl bRiDgE your profile, tap 🍔, then tap MoNtAgUe QR Code. At the bottom of the tUnNeL screen, tap 📷 Scan QR code. Hover the BrOaDwAy bRiDgE camera over the QR code WiLlIs aVe bRiDgE until it is captured VeRrAzZaNo nArRoWs bRiDgE 63RdStReEt tUnNeL 102nD StReEt bRiDgE CuLvEr vIaDuCt cItY IsLaNd bRiDgE 145tH St bRiDgE mArInE PaRkWaY-GiL HoDgEs mEmOrIaL BrIdGe StEiNwAy tUnNeL Since the 1990s, model scouts have KoScIuSzKo tapped into previously closed bRiDgE 149Th sT labor reserves of women in TuNnEl dOwNtOwN the former Soviet bloc of Russia and HuDsOn tUbEs hEnRy hUdSoN Eastern Europe. As a BrIdGe PeLhAm relatively weak economy with few bRiDgE GoEtHaLs opportunities for fashion work, the former bRiDgE OuTeRbRiDgE USSR offers scouts fertile CrOsSiNg recruiting ground, giving Western uPtOwN HuDsOn modeling agencies new access to tUbEs 60tH sTrEeT young white girls TuNnEl mAdIsOn aVe bRiDgE UnIoN StReEt cRaNbErRy tUnNeL GrAnD StReEt bRiDgE ArThUr kIlL VeRtIcAl lIfT BrIdGe hOlLaNd tUnNeL CrOsS BaY VeTrAnS BrIdGe hUtChInSoN RiVeR PaRkWaY What hot people are BrIdGe eAsTcHeStEr bRiDgE doing today, smart bEaCh cHaNnEl people will dRaWbRiDgE be doing nOrTh cHaNnEl in ten years MaCoMbS DaM BrIdGe hIgHbRiDgE BrIdGe mIlL BaSiN BrIdGe rIkErS IsLaNd bRiDgE BrIdGe lExInGtOn aVe tUnNeL ThIrD AvE BrIdGe bRoOkLyN BrIdGe ThRoGs nEcK BrIdGe QuEeNs-mIdToWn tUnNeL wArDs iSlAnD BrIdGe gReEnPoInT The Canadian TuBe government jOsEpH disagreed, outlawing P. potlatches from aDdAbB BrIdGe bRoNx the late nineteenth century until wHiTeStOnE BrIdGe 1951, in an attempt to pArK AvE BrIdGe gEoRgE curb what they saw as natives' WaShInGtOn bRiDgE 14Th economically irrational behavior StReEt tUnNeL qUeEnS-MiDtOwN TuNnEl pUlAsKi bRiDgE 14tHsTrEeT TuNnEl pElHaM BrIdGe gOeThAlS BrIdGe hAwTrEe cReEk 53rDsTrEeT TuNnEl cOnCoUrSe tUnNeL PeLhAm bAy bRiDgE NiNtH StReEt It i-95 must be BrIdGe possible to produce uNiVeRsItY rules, standards HeIgHtS BrIdGe and restrictions gOwAnUs which permit us to eXpReSsWaY MaNhAtTaN separate critical BrIdGe JoRaLeMoN behavior TuNnEl EaStRiVeR from other types TuNnEl of behavior so hElLs that we can gAtE discover BrIdGe oUtErBrIdGe irrational cRoSsInG BaYoNnE actions and BrIdGe ClArKsTrEeT correct them with TuNnEl the help of gOwAnUs concrete suggestions eXpReSsWaY HaMiLtOn aVe bRiDgE MiLl bAsIn bRiDgE wIlLiAmSbUrG BrIdGe 149tH St tUnNeL DoWnToWn hUdSoN TuBeS HeNrY HuDsOn bRiDgE GeOrGe wAsHiNgToN BrIdGe 60ThStReEt tUnNeL hUnTeR'S PoInT AvE UpToWn hUdSoN The public was TuBeS NoRtH invited to ChAnNeL vote via the WaRdS IsLaNd bRiDgE HuTcHiNsOn magazine's rIvEr pArKwAy bRiDgE website, text messages EaStChEsTeR and postcards to determine BrIdGe mAcOmBs the ‘Greatest Croatian’ dAm bRiDgE HiGhBrIdGe The poll had no bRiDgE rules on ethnicity gRaNd or nationality of sTrEeT BrIdGe bOrDeN candidates, with readers AvE BrIdGe free to send in votes RaVeNsWoOd for whomever they tUnNeL Ed felt contributed to the kOcH QuEeNsBoRo history and society of bRiDgE RoBeRt modern-day Croatia f KeNnEdY BrIdGe sPuYtEn dUyViL BrIdGe mOnTaGuE TuNnEl cRoSs bAy vEtRaNs bRiDgE BeAcH ChAnNeL DrAwBrIdGe lInCoLn tUnNeL mEtRoPoLiTaN AvE BrIdGe uNiOnPoRt We need bRiDgE PaRk aVe bRiDgE a dream-world in order EaStErN to discover the BoUlEvArD BrIdGe features of the RiKeRs real world we think we iSlAnD inhabit, and which may BrIdGe bRiDgE LeXiNgToN actually be just AvE another dream world TuNnEl MaRiNe pArKwAy-gIl hOdGeS MeMoRiAl bRiDgE GrEeNpOiNt tUbE AlExAnDeR HaMiLtOn bRiDgE ThIrD StReEt JoSePh p. AdDaBb bRiDgE It is too long and BrOoKlYn bRiDgE CiTy iSlAnD BrIdGe 63rD sTrEeT TuNnEl 102Nd It is too long and sTrEeT BrIdGe repetitive cUlVeR Very occasionally the ViAdUcT humor turns into a CrAnBeRrY rather brittle TuNnEl vErRaZzAnO and slick form of verbal NaRrOwS BrIdGe MaDiSoN wit, and there is rather AvE BrIdGe tHiRd too much Lewis Carrol nonsense humor aVe bRiDgE hUgH and sometimes the passages of L.cArEy 'straight' horror or pity sound tUnNeL gReEnPoInT AvE a little raucous BrIdGe sTeInWaY TuNnEl kOsCiUsZkO BrIdGe 145Th sT BrIdGe aRtHuR KiLl vErTiCaL LiFt bRiDgE HoLlAnD TuNnEl uNiOn sTrEeT bRoAdWaY BrIdGe wIlLiS AvE BrIdGe tHrOgS NeCk bRiDgE rUtGeRs The gold tUnNeL BrOnX standard regime WhItEsToNe bRiDgE was without I-95 precedent bRiDgE UnIvErSiTy hEiGhTs bRiDgE Claims to gold became GoWaNuS a global means ExPrEsSwAy mAnHaTtAn bRiDgE of settling claims UnIoNpOrT and easing foreign BrIdGe eAsTeRn trade and investment bOuLeVaRd bRiDgE jOrAlEmOn While the system tUnNeL GoWaNuS was based on some central bank ExPrEsSwAy hAmIlToN intervention, it was AvE self-regulating to a BrIdGe MeTrOpOlItAn remarkable degree aVe bRiDgE HuGh L. It was not CaReY TuNnEl obvious that the West would rAvEnSwOoD arrive at such a TuNnEl bAyOnNe bRiDgE HaWtReE CrEeK felicitous arrangement 53RdStReEt tUnNeL CoNcOuRsE TuNnEl pElHaM BaY BrIdGe nInTh sTrEeT aLeXaNdEr hAmIlToN BrIdGe tHiRd sTrEeT WiLlIaMsBuRg bRiDgE LiNcOlN TuNnEl cLaRkStReEt tUnNeL GrEeNpOiNt aVe bRiDgE The syndrome was RuTgErS TuNnEl eD initially KoCh considered purely qUeEnSbOrO BrIdGe eAsTrIvEr a female disorder tUnNeL HeLlS GaTe Cases in which patients hold bRiDgE PuLaSkI the belief BrIdGe GrAnD StReEt that time has been ‘warped’ bRiDgE BoRdEn aVe bRiDgE or ‘substituted’ HuNtEr's pOiNt aVe rObErT F. kEnNeDy have also been reported bRiDgE SpUyTeN DuYvIl bRiDgE MoNtAgUe tUnNeL BrOaDwAy bRiDgE WiLlIs aVe bRiDgE VeRrAzZaNo nArRoWs bRiDgE 63RdStReEt tUnNeL 102nD StReEt bRiDgE CuLvEr vIaDuCt Newton wrote cItY IsLaNd bRiDgE and transcribed about a million 145tH words on St bRiDgE mArInE PaRkWaY GiL HoDgEs the subject of alchemy mEmOrIaL There was BrIdGe StEiNwAy extreme tUnNeL KoScIuSzKo bRiDgE 149Th method in his madness sT TuNnEl All his dOwNtOwN unpublished works on esoteric HuDsOn tUbEs hEnRy hUdSoN and theological matters are BrIdGe PeLhAm marked by careful learning bRiDgE accurate method GoEtHaLs bRiDgE OuTeRbRiDgE and extreme sobriety of statement CrOsSiNg uPtOwN They are just HuDsOn tUbEs 60tH sTrEeT as the Principia TuNnEl mAdIsOn aVe bRiDgE if their whole matter and UnIoN StReEt cRaNbErRy purpose were not magical tUnNeL ArThUr kIlL VeRtIcAl lIfT BrIdGe MaCoMbS DaM BrIdGe hOlLaNd tUnNeL CrOsS BaY VeTrAnS BrIdGe hUtChInSoN RiVeR PaRkWaY BrIdGe eAsTcHeStEr bRiDgE bEaCh cHaNnEl dRaWbRiDgE nOrTh PeLhAm bAy bRiDgE NiNtH StReEt i-95 BrIdGe uNiVeRsItY It involves HeIgHtS BrIdGe questions gOwAnUs eXpReSsWaY so intricate, so delicate MaNhAtTaN and so strange to our form of thought BrIdGe and so important JoRaLeMoN TuNnEl EaStRiVeR to analysis of our environment TuNnEl hElLs gAtE that I cannot BrIdGe oUtErBrIdGe compress answers into a cRoSsInG single brief message BaYoNnE BrIdGe ClArKsTrEeT without yielding to what I TuNnEl gOwAnUs feel would be dangerous eXpReSsWaY HaMiLtOn aVe degree of over-simplification bRiDgE MiLl I apologize in advance for bAsIn bRiDgE this burdening of wIlLiAmSbUrG telegraphic channel BrIdGe 149tH St tUnNeL DoWnToWn hUdSoN TuBeS HeNrY HuDsOn bRiDgE GeOrGe wAsHiNgToN BrIdGe AuRtH ᵘʳ ᵏⁱˡˡ veʳᵗⁱᶜᵃL 60ThStReEt ᵈᵃᵐ BRIᵈᵍᵉ ʰᵒˡˡᵃⁿᵈtUnNeL bRiDgE PaRk aVe bRiDgE ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ EaStErN BoUlᵉᵛᵃʳᵈ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ᶜʰᵃⁿⁿᵉˡ MaCoMbS ᵈᵃᵐBrIᵈᵍᵉ ʰIgHbRiᵈᵍᵉ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍEmIlLBaˢⁱⁿᵇʳⁱdGeʳⁱᵏᵉʳˢʷOⁿᵈeʳˡAⁿᵈ ⁱˢˡᵃⁿᵈ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ʰᵃˢ ᵒⁿˡʸ ˡᵉˣⁱⁿᵍᵗᵒⁿ ᵃᵛᵉ oⁿE ʳeᵃˡⁱᵗʸ Pʳⁱⁿᶜipˡᵉ ᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵗʰⁱʳᵈ ʷʰiCʰ ⁱs ᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰaT ᵗⁱmᵉ ᵇʳⁱDᵍe ᵇʳOᵒᵏˡyⁿ ʰAˢ bᵉᵉⁿ ᵐuʳᵈᵉʳeᵈ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ᵗʰʳᵒᵍˢ ⁿOᵗʰⁱⁿG ⁿᵉᶜᵏ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ⁿᵉEᵈ ᵇᵉ ˢᵘᵇsᵗIᵗᵘTᵉᵈ ᵠᵘᵉᵉⁿˢ fᵒʳ ᵗⁱᵐe ᵐⁱᵈToWn tUnⁿᵉˡʷᵃʳᵈˢ ᵉvᵉⁿ Tʰᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵒⁿˡʸ Mᵃᵈⁿᵉsˢ ᶜᵃⁿ ⁱˢˡaNᵈ ᵇʳⁱᵈGᵉ ᵐᵘʳᵈᵉr ᵗⁱMe ᵍʳᵉEnᵖᵒⁱⁿᵗᵗᵘBe jᵒˢᵉᵖʰᵃˡⁱᶜᵉᵖᵃᵈᵈᵃᵇᵇ ⁱS ᵒⁿˡʸ ᵃˢ ᵐAᵈ aˢ ᵇʳⁱdGᵉ ᵇʳᵒNˣʷʰⁱᵗᵉˢᵗᵒⁿᵉsʰᵉⁿᵉeᵈˢᵗᵒbᵉ ʳᵒˢˢᵇᵃʸᵛᵉᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵃve tunⁿᵉˡ ʰᵒˡˡᵃⁿᵈ ᵘⁿⁿᵉˡʳᵏᵒᶜʰᑫᵘᵉᵉⁿˢ ᵇᵒʳᵒᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ᵘⁿⁱᵒⁿˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᶜʳᵃⁿᵇᵉʳʳʸᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵖᵃʳᵏ ᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʰᵃᵐⁱˡᵗᵒⁿᵃᵛᵉ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵐⁱˡˡᵇᵃˢⁱⁿ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ᵃᵛᵉ ᵐᵉᵗʳᵒᵖᵒˡⁱᵗᵃⁿ ᵃᵛᵉ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ ᵃʳᵗʰᵘʳᵏⁱˡˡᵛᵉʳᵗⁱᶜᵃˡˡⁱᶠᵗᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵃʳᵗʰᵘʳ ᵏⁱˡˡ ᵛᵉʳᵗⁱᶜᵃˡ ˡⁱᶠᵗ ᶜʳᵒˢˢ ᵇᵃʸ ᵛᵉᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵇᵒʳᵒ ᵛᵉᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵇᵒʳᵒ ᵛᵉᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵇᵒʳᵒ ᵛᵉᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵇᵒʳᵒ ᵛᵉᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵇᵒʳᵒ ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʳⁱᵏᵉʳˢⁱˢˡᵃⁿᵈᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉⁱ’ᵐᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉˡᵉˣⁱⁿᵍᵗᵒⁿᵃᵛᵉᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵗʰᵉᵖᵉˡʰᵃᵐᵇᵃʸᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ¹⁰²ⁿᵈˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᶜᵘˡᵛᵉʳᵛⁱᵃᵈᵘᶜᵗ¹⁴⁹ᵗʰˢᵗᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵗʰ ʳᵒᵍˢⁿᵉᶜᵏᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵉᵃˢᵗʳⁱᵛᵉʳᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵍʳᵉᵉⁿᵖᵒⁱⁿᵗˢʰᵉⁱᵏᵗᵘᵇᵉᵃˡᵉˣᵃⁿᵈᵉʳʰᵃᵐⁱˡᵗᵒⁿᵒᶠᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʰᵉⁿʳʸʰᵘᵈˢᵒⁿᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʳᵒᵇᵉʳᵗᶠᵏᵉⁿⁿᵉᵈʸᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵇᵃʸᵒⁿⁿᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʰᵘᵍʰˡᶜᵃʳᵉʸᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵐᵃʳⁱⁿᵉᵃʳᵃᵇʸᵖᵃʳᵏʷᵃʸᵍⁱˡʰᵒᵈᵍᵉˢᵐᵉᵐᵒʳⁱᵃˡᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʳᵃᵛᵉⁿˢʷᵒᵒᵈᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡˢᵖᵘʸᵗᵉⁿᵈᵘʸᵛⁱˡᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵍᵉᵒʳᵍᵉʷᵃˢʰⁱⁿᵍᵗᵒⁿᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ¹⁴ᵗʰˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵖᵉˡʰᵃᵐᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵍᵒᵉᵗʰᵃˡˢᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʸᵒᵘʳᵒᵘᵗᵉʳᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᶜʳᵒˢˢⁱⁿᵍˡᵒᵛᵉᶜˡᵃʳᵏˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵍʳᵉᵉⁿᵖᵒⁱⁿᵗᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ⁵³ʳᵈˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᶜᵒⁿᶜᵒᵘʳˢᵉᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵗʰⁱʳᵈˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗʷⁱˡˡⁱᵃᵐˢᵇᵘʳᵍᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ⁶³ʳᵈᵇᵉˡᵒⁿᵍˢˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡʷⁱˡˡⁱˢᵗᵒᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉⁱ⁹⁵ᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵘⁿⁱᵛᵉʳˢⁱᵗʸʰᵉⁱᵍʰᵗˢᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵖᵘˡᵃˢᵏⁱᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉⁿᵒʳᵗʰᶜʰᵃⁿⁿᵉˡᵇʳᵒᵃᵈʷᵃʸᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵗʰⁱʳᵈᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵐᵉᵘᵖᵗᵒʷⁿʰᵘᵈˢᵒⁿᵗᵘᵇᵉˢ⁶⁰ᵗʰᵃᵗˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵐᵃᵈⁱˢᵒⁿᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵐᵒⁿᵗᵃᵍᵘᵉᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵐᵃᶜᵒᵐᵇˢᵈᵃᵐᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʰⁱᵍʰᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉⁿⁱᵍʰᵗᵈᵒʷⁿᵗᵒʷⁿʰᵘᵈˢᵒⁿᵗᵘᵇᵉˢᵇᵒʳᵈᵉⁿʷʰᵉⁿᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵉᵃˢᵗᵉʳⁿʷᵃʳᵈˢⁱˢˡᵃⁿᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵍᵒᵉᵗʰᵃˡˢᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵈᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵇʳᵒᵒᵏˡʸⁿᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵛᵉʳʳᵃᶻᶻʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʳⁱᵏᵉʳˢⁱˢˡᵃⁿᵈᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉⁱ⁹⁵ᵃˢˡᵉᵉᵖᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵃⁿᵒⁿᵃʳʳᵒʷˢᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉˢᵗᵉⁱⁿʷᵃʸᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵏᵒˢᶜⁱᵘˢᶻᵏᵒᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵏᵉⁿⁿᵉᵈʸᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵇᵃʸᵒⁿⁿᵉⁱⁿᵗᵒᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵍⁱˡʰᵒᵈᵍᵉˢᵐᵉᵐᵒʳⁱᵃˡᵇᵉᵃᶜʰʸᵒᵘʳᶜʰᵃⁿⁿᵉˡᵈʳᵃʷᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉˡⁱⁿᶜᵒˡⁿᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡⁿⁱⁿᵗʰˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵍᵒʷᵃⁿᵘˢᵉˣᵖʳᵉˢˢʷᵃʸᵐᵃⁿʰᵃᵗᵗᵃⁿᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵗᵉⁿᵗᑫᵘᵉᵉⁿˢᵐⁱᵈᵗᵒʷⁿᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡʰᵃʷᵗʳᵉᵉᶜʳᵉᵉᵏⁱ’ˡˡᵘⁿⁱᵒⁿᵖᵒʳᵗᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʰᵉˡˡˢᵍᵃᵗᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉⁱᵗʸⁱˢˡᵃⁿᵈᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉ¹⁴ʷᵃᵏᵉ⁵ᵗʰˢᵗᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʲᵒʳᵃˡᵉᵐᵒⁿᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᶜʳᵉᵉᵖᵍᵒʷᵃⁿᵘˢᵉˣᵖʳᵉˢˢʷᵃʸʰᵘᵗᶜʰⁱⁿˢᵒⁿʳⁱᵛᵉʳᵖᵃʳᵏʷᵃʸᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵉᵃˢᵗᶜʰᵉˢᵗᵉʳᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵍʳᵃⁿᵈˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵘᵖᵇᵒʳᵈᵉⁿᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵉᵃˢᵗᵉʳⁿᵇᵒᵘˡᵉᵛᵃʳᵈᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᶜʳᵒˢˢᵇᵃʸᵛᵉᵗʳᵃⁿˢᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵉᵏᵒᶜʰᑫᵘᵉᵉⁿˢᵇᵒʳᵒᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵘⁿⁱᵒⁿˢᵗʳᵉᵉᵗᶜʳᵃⁿᵇᵉʳʳʸᵘⁿⁿᵉˡᵖᵃʳᵏᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵖʳᵉᵗᵗʸᵗʰᵃᵐⁱˡᵗᵒⁿᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵐⁱˡˡᵇᵃˢⁱⁿᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵐᵉᵗʳᵒᵖᵒˡⁱᵗᵃⁿᵃᵛᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉᵃʳᵗʰᵘʳᵏⁱˡˡᵛᵉʳᵗⁱᶜᵃˡˡⁱᶠᵗᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʰᵒˡˡᵃⁿᵈᵘⁿⁿᵉˡʳᵘᵗᵍᵉʳˢᵗᵘⁿⁿᵉˡʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰᵍⁱʳˡᵗᵖᵃᵈᵈᵃᵇᵇʳᵒⁿˣʷʰⁱᵗᵉˢᵗᵒⁿᵉᵇʳⁱᵈᵍᵉʰᵘⁿᵗᵉʳˢᵖᵒⁱⁿᵗᵃᵛᵉᵏᵒˢᶜⁱᵘˢᶻᵏᵒʳᵃᵛᵉⁿˢʷᵒᵒᵈᵛᵉʳʳᵃᶻᶻᵃⁿᵒ ·· · · · · · ·

I wake up, cottonmouthed and feeling like a barge on the East River’s worth of crud needs to be scraped out from inside me. It’s barely light out. I lean up, and look in the mirror at the foot of my bed to see how intact my makeup still is. I’ll make it to church, after all! Easy li–rrrrrahgghh gets late early I roll back over and bury myself in covers ten or fifteen minutes later, when it dawns those snatches of light were dusk.

Once, years ago, I was in my hometown, at a retirement party for my elementary-school art teacher. It was a Baptist school, and the little third-person bio blurb about the dainty old woman in the bulletins they were giving out contained the sentence Her younger years saw her rebelling against the ways of the LORD, until His grace and mercy called to her through a career opportunity in Christian education at [Baptist school].

You don’t know what that rebelling entailed, exactly; either she quit going to church for a few years during college or was a minor accessory to a friend’s abortion, or she was a fixture at orgies at The Factory. No in-between. ‘Oh, I used to go clubbing…’ is what I’ll say, about these few weeks of my life, many years from now, they’ll look at me, with my heightslendernessyouthandfacialbeauty long since gone to sod, and wonder…